I just realized that it has been almost a month (or over a month?) since I last posted. If I thought I had actual readers, I might apologize. (If you are, indeed, an actual reader, consider that your apology.)
So... A lot has happened since my last post. It has been a very full month, some good, some bad, most just busy. But very full nonetheless, so let's just jump right in.
First, there was a lot of badness. A lot of sadness and a lot of badness, because my best friend was gone and nobody even knew. Then I decided I didn't particularly want this badness and sadness and aloneness anymore, so I invited Cowgirl and Blondie, my two best friends since before I can remember, over for the weekend. We played cards, watched movies, made pizza; it was fun. And Blondie's boyfriend had just left her after almost a year and a half, so we talked about that, and after Cowgirl left, I told Blondie about the whole Rock situation. As you might expect, she sympathized with me pretty well.
Then there was another school week, which you know, kind of sucked. Except it meant I had class at my high school, which meant I got to practice my flirting skills on Farmboy, which was fun. He's pretty cool, but not anyone I would ever date or anything. And that feeling is mutual, im 98.7773% sure. Between the two of us, we have enough issues to feed an army, if armies ate issues instead of food. Anyways, it also meant that I had bridge building practice after school a couple of days, which meant that I got to play with spaghetti and laugh at Sophomore as he spilled stuff, again. I swear, every week that poor child spills something. Every week. Oh yeah, and also I have decided I can flirt with him too if I want. And I do. He's cool, but again, we flirt without intention of it going any further. Which is awesome, that's really what I need right now.
So then it was the weekend, and I think that's the weekend that was extra awesome and long. Four day weekend; we had Friday and Monday off of high school for "Midwinter Break." So, I'm pretty sure that's the weekend Birdie spent the night. On Sunday that is. Someone else may have spent the night on Friday or Saturday, I honestly don't remember. But I do know that Birdie was over Sunday after bridge building, and then I took her home before my college class on Monday! So something happened!
Then it was the weekday part of the week again. I kind of hate this part of the week, but let me elaborate on my schedule real quick for you, since you're already so interested anyways.
Monday - Comparative Government, 3:30-5 p.m.
Tuesday - Language and Cultures, 9-11 a.m.
Wednesday - Comp. Gov't, 3:30-5 p.m. ; Contemporary Social Problems 6-9 p.m.
Thursday - Lang. & Cult., 9-11 a.m. ; Astronomy, 6-9 p.m.
Friday - Current Events, 12-1:45 p.m. ; also this happened on all the other days too.
So you can see that my schedule is just oodles of fun... But anyway. After all that, and more flirting and such, it was the weekend again.
And boy was it. That weekend, my parents and I packed up and went to Charlotte for a visit to Queens University of Charlotte, my college of choice. We drove twelve hours down on Friday, went on an awesome visit to and awesome school on Saturday, and drove twelve hours home on Sunday. The visit really was fun, and then on Saturday we went and wandered around downtown Charlotte for a while, which was cool. I like Charlotte, I like it a lot. And I also like Queens.
And by now you've recognized the pattern that I will say "and then it was the weekday part again," or some variant of that. You are correct! But I just said it, so I don't have to say it again. And this time there really isn't anything to elaborate on.
So then... Yup, you guessed it, it was the weekend once more. I got my hair dyed blonde (from a dark brunette-red color--it was a bit of a shock), and my friend Tee got an awesome supermegafoxy red Rebel Streak in her hair. Seriously, it's pretty freakin' sweet. And yes, Rebel Streak does need to be capitalized. But anyways, all that stuff happened on Friday.
Saturday we went shopping, and I got some collegiate-type stuff. Such as towels, because I will need those, and new boots, because they were adorable and on sale. And also, they make me feel a bit like an elf, which I very much enjoy. Probably far more than I really should. But that's beside the point.
Sunday... Sunday was an interesting day. My friend Dragon, who is 22 and would think I was very weird for deciding he should be called Dragon, spent the night because he had been living at home, then had a falling out with his mother, and had been sleeping on various couches for a while... He needed a place to stay, and I offered up my couch. Which displeased my mother slightly, but that's okay. She got over it. It was a little awkward, but it was okay. My dad made him leave early in the morning, before I even got up (which was, uhm, not really early and hardly morning at all actually.), which probably sucked for him, but I wasn't awake so it didn't affect (effect? I always mess those up for some reason.) at all.
Then another boring week of boringness happened.
Then it was the weekend! This past weekend actually! I went to an Astronomical Society meeting on Friday night to get some badly needed extra credit for my astronomy class. Then I spent the night at my friend Ducky's house so I could help her with a flea market-type thing that her church was doing as a fundraiser, which we had to be at early the next morning. Naturally, most of Saturday was spent helping her sell her duct tape creations, which was fun. But two other things happened on Saturday! One of which is happy and exciting!
I (probably) got a prom date! I say probably because he said he would have to check some things once he got back from spring break (lucky dog went to Florida). But he said he would love to, so... I'm 98.9% sure I have a prom date! Who'd a thunk it, right?
Then the other thing... The other thing is less fun and less exciting, and even almost mildly depressing. Very depressing for another person, but less so for me because... I'm not her. Anyways, so Saturday night I spent the night at Blondie's house. Remember how I said a few paragraphs ago that her long-term boyfriend had broken up with her? Well, she was never really incredibly terribly invested in him. She liked him a lot, but I very much doubt she ever really loved him. And she understood why that relationship ended.
But then... She got a new boyfriend, and was with him for two weeks before he broke up with her. And she was more torn up about this than about Mr. Long-Term. I think mostly because she doesn't so much understand why he broke up with her, but she had kind of just been waiting for the long term relationship to end. Which is sad. Her entire situation right now is sad, and I empathize with her a lot. But... As much as I love my best friend, I feel like being as torn up about the end of a two week relationship as she is is just unnecessary. I understand that she wants to know why, but she also said that he told her why. Because he doesn't want a serious relationship right before college starts. And I understand that. Of all the reasons a guy could give me for why he was dumping me, that one is pretty high up there on the forgiveness/understanding scale. (Incidentally, Mr. Prom Date is in college, and we were "dating" (long distance, never saw each other during this time) for a few weeks briefly during the summer before he left. He broke up with me, and gave that very reason. Obviously we're still close friends.)
Anyways. So I hung out with a very depressed Blondie Saturday night, and then she came over to my house on Sunday. She hung out and used the hot tub and such when I went to bridge building. Then when I came back we figured out some logistics, and my mom and sister went to see The Lorax at the same time Blondie and I saw Project X. I sure hope The Lorax is better than Project X, because Project X sucked a lot, and I very much want to see The Lorax. I loved that book. Definitely my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
So then yesterday was Monday, and now it is 1 in the morning and I am sitting her type, type, typing away (bonus points if you get the Zaboomafoo reference!). Oh, also yesterday/last night/a few hours ago, I checked parts on second shift for the first time ever. At my dad's and uncles' small tool and die shop. I've checked parts before, just not on second shift. And I didn't stay for all of second shift, either. I left at like 7:30, cause I was bored. Which turned out to be a good thing, cause the head of the Environmental Science Department at Queens called me as I was driving home! So then I talked to him (and drove) for another fifteen-ish minutes, and then I was home, and then nothing interesting happened. Maybe tomorrow interesting things will happen.
Oh right. Also, today/yesterday we switched classes at high school. Now instead of Current Events, with an awesome teacher and Farmboy to flirt with, I have Personal Finance, with a boring teacher and a former friend who thinks we're still friends. Great, I definitely traded up on that one...
Okay, so that's basically what's happened externally in the last month. I'm sure you're all dying to hear what sorts of craziness my brain has been doing to me since then as well. Don't worry! I plan to tell you. I plan to tell you right now.
There have definitely been ups and downs. I wrote at one point in a journal (does it surprise you that I keep not one, but several? Probably not.) that it was like a tsunami; missing Rock. Because it kind of is. There are warning signs, but I haven't quote figured them out. So, basically the only warning is the good part, which is when it recedes and everything seems awesome. I feel like I'm free of him; he's still in the back of my mind, but I don't miss him nearly as much. But then, WOOOOSH! like a giant-ass wave of terror and destruction, guess what? I suddenly, as if from nowhere, miss the hell out of Rock. I want him to come back right then right there instantly and I want everything to be back the way it was.
But I haven't texted him yet. I will hold off until the onslaught of tsunamis ceases. Then, and only then, will I know that I am capable of being friends with my best friend again. I'm doubtful that this will ever happen, but then again, my brain has done some other pretty awesome stuff recently, so we'll just have to see how it goes.
What awesome stuff, you ask? Well, friend, don't you worry, for I shall tell you. The awesome stuff my brain did requires a very short backstory of not awesome stuff, though. For the full story, and for much of this post to make any sense at all, read the preceding one.
The not awesome backstory is this: I was crying and sad one day for no reason other than my best friend, my Rock, was gone. I cried through one Rise Against song, I'm not sure which one but I'm pretty sure it was from The Sufferer and The Witness album.
The awesome part is this: I only cried through one song and not several because towards the end of the song, I realized something incredible. That something was this (it's late and I'm tired): I have nothing left to lose. Absolutely nothing.
I wrestled with this for a while. Was this a good thing? Was this a bad thing? Was this even a thing? Then I decided it was what I made it, and I wanted it to be a good thing. So... I made it a good thing. I decided to write down all the positive implications of this. I won't list them all for you, though. I'll just say that the first and most important one was that it meant I could flirt with whoever I damn well pleased, including that guy in my astronomy class. Even if he is 27.
I think that's about all I have for tonight. I'll try to keep up a little better with this in the future so that the posts won't be as long, but... No promises.
Goodnight!
--Razza Ragazza
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