I just suddenly feel like a shit person today. I was awesome. I literally felt like the most fantastic person-- like I could set fires with my mind and I could probably fly if I tried hard enough-- all last week. It was the best I've ever felt, and for no real reason.
But yesterday I started coming back down, and just here and now, just fifteen minutes ago, I crashed. I can't fly. I am not a good person. I'm a selfish, self-involved, shitty person who doesn't know how to be good to other humans. Which would explain why all my friends have other friends that they like more. Literally everyone I know has someone that they like better than me. I don't know who I like best in my groups of friends. I know that I suck at balancing the groups, which might explain why I'm last on everyone's lists. I don't even want to talk to people because I know I'm their least favorite friend, if they even consider me a friend.
The worst feeling is when I introduce two people thinking that "hey, they'll get along really well! maybe the three of us can hang out!" and then... they do get along really well! But... the three of us never hang out because suddenly, the two of them are best friends. And that's awesome. Have best friends! It's cool that I knew each of you well enough to know you'd like each other! But don't forget me. Please invite me places. But don't do it out of obligation. I don't want to be anybody's obligation. It's awkward. If I'm your obligation, I sit there quietly while you guys talk about ghosts and other shit that I don't know or care about. What about the stuff we had in common before? Can't we talk about that so that I don't sit here silently for the rest of my life and hate myself for not having anything to say?
At first I think, hey, it'll be okay. It's just an evening out period where they're getting to know each other. After a while they'll know each other and maybe they'll want to hang out with me again at some point.
But it's been a month. Over a month. I don't get invited to things unless I accidentally overhear plans. Sometimes they'll talk to me about their plans but not invite me, even. That's always fun. And me inviting people places? Like I go places. Yeah. It's great. Inviting myself along? That happens more than I like to admit. But oftentimes I'm too poor to do that. Which is another fun thing.
I fucking hate this. I don't want to be a needy, awful person. But I am. And I know I am. Nobody else knows I am though. I hide it really well. I put off this wonderful exterior of hardassery that makes everyone think I'm fine on my own. It's mostly true, but it's mostly so that people don't take pity on me. I don't want your pity. I don't want to be your obligation. I don't want YOU. Not if that's who you're going to be towards me. Be regular. Be normal you.
Don't walk around on eggshells because you know that I have clinical depression and probably bipolar disorder. THAT is why I have an exterior shell of hardass. THAT is why I don't tell anyone anything, ever. THAT is why I'm so broken sometimes. I can't tell anyone because then they'll know. Because then they'll treat me differently.
I wasted looking cute today because I thought I was going out to get a piercing. But now it definitely looks like either we aren't going or they forgot me. Depression says either they forgot or they purposely decided not to tell me when they were leaving. Rationality says maybe someone's phone fucked up, or we aren't going because of Person's personal problems that started up yesterday. Hardass says I don't care, they should have told me what was going on (with the plans and their life). Rationality sides with Depression and says that they probably didn't let you know because in whatever capacity, you've been replaced.
Depression says eat lots of sugar, stay up late, get up early, and whatever you do, don't do your homework. Rationality disagrees. Depression also suggests alcohol, and Hardass agrees, but Rationality knows I have class tomorrow and no way to get alcohol anyway.
Looks like the other group of friends forgot me for dinner too. Depression wants to sleep. For a very long time.
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