I've known for a long time that I have a mental illness. But right now I'm just really scared because I think I might be bipolar. I don't know who to talk to about that. I mean, the thought has crossed my mind before that I might be, but now I really really think I am.

I think the elevated mood and sense of being that I went through last week was a manic episode. A short one followed by a precipitous fall. That's not the first time it's happened, either. It's scary now because I literally felt like I could do anything, I've just become exceptionally good at hiding my emotions and feelings and stuff. But now I feel like I can't do anything, and it took one day. One day and I fell down and hit the ground really hard and I feel like all my bones have shattered and how have I even been going to classes anyways?

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anything. I need Chris, but I'm too proud and I basically told him to fuck off. I mentioned already to him that I think I'm bipolar and he dismissed it entirely. He's probably right, but if that's not it, what IS it?

I'm just scared. I don't like to admit it to real people but I'm really scared right now. I don't know what to do and I'm alone and I'm scared. I can't talk to anyone. I don't trust anyone. I'm afraid because I'm all alone. I'm all alone. I'm scared. There's no other word. It's just scared. It's not terrified. It's not fearful. It's not anything but scared. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to sleep alone. I don't know how to do this. I can't be vulnerable to anyone. I don't want to be alone I don't want to be scared anymore. Where's Callie? Why hasn't she come back yet? At least then I won't be alone in the room assuming she doesn't go sleep in her bed in Gage's room. But I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I have more depressed episodes than I do manic episodes. The depression lasts for weeks or months or years, but the mania, the "fun part," hardly lasts a week and I've only had three or four of those episodes. I don't want to self medicate but I think I did before and it's a good thing I'm not 21 or I'd probably be doing it right now.

I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm scared.

Where's my person? I'm scared.